Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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