Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
