I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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