Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He felt like a one man threesome
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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