fuck your aforementioned shoe
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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