ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
