watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
