Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
