Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
