I'm gonna have a badass scar
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
