I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
