Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
