Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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