I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I don't think brook has ever known best
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
