I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
