I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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