You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize