im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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