why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
