My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
