Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
