I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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