I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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