I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
