ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
