I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
