Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
