I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
either way he was missing a nipple.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Randomize
