even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
