Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
