This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
