My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
