i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize