I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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