if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
