I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just had sex on a roof
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
