I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
