remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
