My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
