who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
