Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
