i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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