How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
