i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
