And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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