how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize