i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
