He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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