I think im going to throw up on grandma
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize