I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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