Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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