I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
