You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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