Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
