So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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