just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
