you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
