I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
