Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Who died my cat blue again?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
