I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
They are going to name an STD after you.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
